I have a whole new city to explore and a whole new hobby (urban organic gardening, NO I DID NOT MOVE TO PORTLANDIA) to learn about. I’m still running, and I need to write. I have no excuses–I’m looking for work full-time.

As my 7th grade English teacher wrote in my Middle School Yearbook: “You are a writer and you must write. For better or for worse.”

7th Grade me took this waaay too seriously, but the sentiment is true. As I am a runner and I must run, I am a writer and I must write. Even if I’m mediocre at best at both.

Check out the bandit ruining my finish line fist pump...

Joey Greco, my writing guru

Even though I’m pretty sure Joey Greco doesn’t actually write the overwrought, awesome prose for Cheaters, nor is he the primary narrator, I like to imagine he does, and is. He is my current writing inspiration.

I’m also sitting on a baseball right now to massage my piriformis muscle.

I didn’t fully comprehend the insanity surrounding the Boston Marathon at either time. The Boston Marathon is not on my “Bucket List” (I don’t have one) nor is it, for me, the ultimate measure of my worth as a runner, like it apparently is for so many other runners.  Come to think of it, I’m not sure if the Boston Marathon insanity even reached a fever pitch until the registration fiasco this year.

For me, I fantasized about Boston because it was the only marathon I’ve ever witnessed. It’s in my town. I wasn’t drawn to it because it’s elite, or because it’s old. Although now, I like that my first marathon is going to be Boston for these reasons.

As a charity runner, I’m exempt from the qualifying madness. Consequentially, I’m seen as a pariah by some of the more intense runners.

Quite honestly, I don’t care. I’m running this for my own reasons and reasons of community. Boston is my community, my home, and if someone from elsewhere is upset because they don’t get to come to Boston to run the marathon after qualifying, and want to blame the charity runners for filling up the field, that’s their problem.

Boston is my community and I think that the charity program is both critical and fantastic for this city and Greater Boston Area. As a community member and runner I have only positive things to say about my experiences as a charity runner and the program, and I haven’t heard much objection from anyone in this city, including the elites, to the program. If anything, Boston Qualifiers who live in Boston have been encouraging and inspiring to the charity runners, in my experience. It’s been wonderful.

I’ve talked a lot in my fundraising letters and appeals about my reasons for running in relation to the charity I’m running for (SCORES), but I’ve shied away from the personal reasons I tumbled down the rabbit hole decided to ultimately train for and run the Boston Marathon this year.

To be continued…

First of all, I love the two GPs I see at Fenway Community Health. I’ve been going to Fenway since I was in college and my university health center couldn’t see me immediately for something silly like a cough that wouldn’t go away. At the time, Fenway was over near TT’s Pub (!) on–I think–Haviland Street.

Fenway blew my mind: I wasn’t familiar with the community health centers that dot Boston and Fenway’s history—a hole-in-the-wall treatment center in the South End providing care to people with HIV, that, at the time, carried even more of a stigma then it does now, and other underserved individuals, like gay men—really touched me.

Today, Fenway is a thriving community health center in a state-of-the-art, spanking new building on Boylston Street, and it’s still dedicated to providing care to persons who identify as LGBT, individuals who are underserved by the typical health care system in the U.S., and anyone in the community.

Fenway also has a pharmacy, eye care, dental care, and a holistic medicine practice including acupuncture. Affiliated with some of the top medical universities and hospitals in the country, Fenway strikes this amazing balance between holistic care, respect for the patient—undoubtedly from its roots in and continued commitment to the LGBT community and serving the LGBT community’s evolving needs (for example, cutting-edge AIDS prevention research that does not sex-shame to parental counseling for same-sex couples who wish to start a family)—and fantastic, straightforward medical care.

Fenway has a women’s health practice, and I love that I can go in and see a GP attuned to women’s health issues. I’ve NEVER had a bad experience at Fenway. Every GP I have seen has been extremely knowledgeable, kind, straightforward, smart, funny, and caring. Most if not all of the practitioners I have seen are committed to accessible, universal health care for all, and they seem to get, immediately, that physical symptoms do not exist in a vacuum: they see the human body and patient as a whole being whose physical, mental, and what-have-you lives are inexorably linked.

All of this talk about Fenway, which I plan to make one of my causes in 2011 (Oh, to be a philanthropist. I already have my causes picked out!), reminds me of a healthcare provider that has been just as significant to me, and is in deep shit right now.

Planned Parenthood.

Is. Amazing. Everything I just said about Fenway, Planned Parenthood has been doing for YEARS and all over the country, and in areas where progressive community health centers do not exist.

I don’t know how to discuss this without ranting, or having to slow down and write a research paper (I just don’t have the time), but this vitriol against women’s health, against our bodies, and against our sovereignty over our bodies, even OUTSIDE of the realm of childbearing, is just too much for me to handle, and it relates to how I feel about my body, my running, my health.

I’ve been SO lucky to have amazing, often female, healthcare providers, who GET the complexities of women’s health, and how health IS holistic, and how it’s nonsensically an EXTREME privilege in this country to have access to even SHITTY healthcare. I thank my lucky stars every time I go into the beautiful Fenway building (funded by private donors, grants, and the government!), and am able to see a fabulous doctor. THIS SHOULD NOT BE A PRIVILEGE, a privilege of where I live, the fact that I have health insurance through my job, and that I was LUCKY enough to stumble upon Fenway as an alternative when I was 18. Just like it SHOULD NOT BE A PRIVILEGE for women of ALL AGES to be able to go to a healthcare provider for confidential, free (or extremely cheap) consult and care for women’s health issues, the exact services that Planned Parenthood provides.

I’m not intending for my running blog to be a political soapbox, but it’s just too important. I really wonder if any of the republicans who voted against ALL FUNDING for PP, for things like pre-natal care, general reproductive health (like routine pap smears), testing for men and women, and counseling in ALL methods of family planning, including the much-loved rhythm method by those opposed to other forms of contraceptives, have ever stepped FOOT in a Planned Parenthood. Or if their wives, daughters, female friends (do they have any?) ever stepped foot in a Planned Parenthood (I guess they would never tell them if they had.) They would probably be blown away (oh god, bad word choice) by the quality of care, attention to women, and how it’s just like any other health care clinic, not some scary Christian baby killing operation headed by evil commie fruity arugula-eating doctors.

Anyway, sign the damn petition:

https://secure.ppaction.org/site/SPageServer?pagename=pp_ppol_ws_I_Stand_with_PP&s_src=standwithppfeb2011_taf&JServSessionIdr004=puixq6m4l1.app210b

I’m done!

Ok, so back to my appointment, and why my Doctor is so awesome:

1. Sent me to the lab to get my Vitamin D levels tested and other random blood work done (medical approach), and also looked at my history of stomach issues from last year (aka THE PARASITE) and any medications, etc. that could be irritating me.
2. Referred me to a bunch of area counselors, with information on how to get free ‘crisis’ counseling, etc. to deal with the immense amount of stress I’m currently under (psychological approach).
3. Told me I need a vacation, and wrote a note to my employer. (She actually commanded that I take time off and wrote me a Dr.’s note, but I’m not sure if I really need to… I probably do, but you know…).
4. Recommended I take some Benadryl if I’m having trouble sleeping, and to just “knock yourself out” and get the rest I need.
5. Told me that I better not win the Boston Marathon, because then she’ll know I didn’t take her advice. I assured her that this was not a remote possibility. She countered with “at least stop comparing yourself to the other runners” Fair point, Doc!
6. Get a massage.
7. Referred me to an interesting anonymous group (no I do not have substance abuse issues) and a book related to it, because she thought the stories of the participants might help me understand the stress I’m going through.
8. ***TMI ALERT*** Censored for the sake of my family. (Steady Gentleman Caller LOVES my Doctor!)

Now that’s the holistic approach!

When I went to get some blood work done, the technician said “You can relax now, you know?” and I replied, “Oh, I don’t mind getting my blood drawn, I’m fine” she countered with “No, I can tell you don’t care about this. You’re just stressing all over the place, fidgeting, sitting there all straight, you need to chill out, girl!” Laughing, I said “Yeah, that’s what the Dr. just told me.”

So, uh, guess I’ve been a little high-strung lately?

Maybe it’s this batshit country we live in.

I’m off to make cocktails… found some HFCS-free Grenadine today!

2. Make it to the finish

***BONUS GOAL***

3. Run the Boston Marathon in under 4:30 (remember, I’m a marathon virgin and a charity runner)

This week got crazy real quick, but I’ve been somewhat productive: filed my taxes, planned a brief trip to Florida in March, kinda sorta got stuff done at work, rolled change and brought it to the bank (I’m an adult!), etc.

I had two pretty great runs this week: one, last night, with the team @ Marathon Sports. It was so pleasant outside! I’m loving this weather turn-around. The other night I did a speed workout and/or a tempo run (can someone please explain to me what a tempo run is in plain English?) on the dreadmill. I was definitely raging on the treadmill, grimacing and punching the air as I sprinted along to Girl Talk. I apologize to the poor girl next to me who was running at 4.5 mph and then slowing to a walk every couple minutes for my general cloud of anger (and yes, she was pissing me off). Sorry chick!

Like most women and many people (yes, I feel comfortable making that generalization), I grapple with my body-image, including all aspects of my appearance, my weight, my shape, what and how much I’m eating, and my fitness level. It’s true that my feelings towards my body-image are capricious, illogical, and occasionally hysterical. I’ve felt as negative about my body at a “low weight” as I have at a “high weight” and I’ve felt as positive about my body at a “high weight” (usually because I haven’t yet noticed the weight gain!) as what I think for me is a healthy, fit weight.

As mentioned, I’ve felt fine at a “high weight”, but usually because at that point I haven’t yet noticed the weight gain. I am puzzled about how I can neglect to notice a 10, 15, maybe even 25 (let’s just say I once stopped looking at the scale, and it’s likely I could have put on upwards of 25 lbs from either my lowest weight or healthiest weight) lb gain, but freak out over 5 lbs or less gain other times, a 5 or less lb gain probably due to hormonal, water, and other fluctuations that I think women deal with more than men and that don’t really indicate any significant changes in body composition. Then I wonder if I actually have noticed the big gains, and just blocked it out? Or just stopped stepping on the scale at a certain point?

Anyway, the point is that my relationship with my body befuddles even me, and I live in it. We get so many mixed messages from the media, from our parents, elders, peers, “experts”, doctors, coaches, etc. over the course of our lives that hey, what can you expect? No wonder I’m confused–along with the rest of the country. In the U.S. we live in a society that is apparently rampantly obese yet simultaneously suffering from a national eating disorder.

I’ve always desired a bit more honesty, especially from women, regarding our weights, what we eat, how we eat, and why we eat. We’re taught somehow from a young age to lie about our weight (or age!), that somehow whatever it is is too much, unless it’s too little.

Nevermind that weight is just a number, a measure, and a fickle one at that. Muscle weights more than fat, a big meal, too much water, too little water, salt, hormones, medications, post-exercise bloat (didn’t know this existed until I started running 12+ miles in a day!), can all affect weight. Or not. Or affect how “large” or “small” we feel, no matter the number on the scale.

As I’ve gotten more and more interested in fitness, I’ve realized that so much of the medical literature and advice out there is geared towards men. This is not surprising, and it’s like this across-the-board in wellness. Some combination of the patriarchy, male-dominated medical field, male-dominated sports field, and the vestiges of however these fields have been leveled (or not) lead to many studies being done on men. We know a lot about how men’s bodies work and react and all this, and much of the conventional wisdom seems to be based on these studies.

When you dig deeper, however, you find that often, this advice just doesn’t apply to women, and it can be counter-productive or even harmful. For example, women experience heart attacks differently than men, and women react differently to different medications than men. The heart issue has only recently been recognized and corrected.

People make many excuses why women’s health and physical reactions to environmental or medical factors haven’t been studied: childbearing (can’t test medication on young women in case it hurts their precious fertility!), lack of women in sports (huh?), etc. You know what? Fuck that noise. I want some real information on how my body will react to medications, nutrients, exercise, and the like. There’s so much false information out there, or maybe it’s not false, but false for some people.

I hear a lot of stories about men who drop a ton of weight when they start distance running or a similar endurance sport. I also hear a lot of stories about how otherwise normal women GAIN weight when they start training for a marathon or similar event. I’m sure much of this is due to muscle gain, but it freaks women out—why wouldn’t it, given the society we live in?

Alright, so without getting too into my own history with these things, I just want to lay it on the table: I’m fed up reading about the evils of carbs, the non-evils of carbs as long as they are whole-grain, the preciousness of protein (But from where? Fish? That are over fished and now farm-raised on corn like our beef? Beef, pork? NO WAY! Chicken? Yes, maybe, but only white meat. Beans and lentils? Yes, but they make you bloat! From soy and other heavily processed non-animal products?), the evils of fat (except “GOOD FATS” which, I mean, avocados are fattening and olive oil is not even olive oil, and again, with the fish and the mercury and the dolphins oh my!), diet foods, French paradoxes, and all of it. I’m fed up. No, I’m not going to eat breakfast every day. And did you hear? It might not even be good for you! No, I’m not going to eat “CLEAN” the latest trend which makes no goddamn sense. “CLEAN” it’s just another buzzword, another day, another superiority system. I’m just fed up. And I’m also fed up with the people like me who “LOVE FOOD”… but who also hate it. I know you are too. I mean, come on, you know Gwyneth Paltrow “LOVES FOOD” and Mario Batali but we all know that woman also hates food. She must.

Ok, now I’m ranting. See, complicated!

Anyway, I’m starting a food log. On here. Yeah, I know it’s boring (or fascinating, to some). But you know what? I want to be honest. I want to show what a real person eats, even when they “know better”, even when they are training for an endurance event. No, it doesn’t mean I eat oatmeal every day. No, it also doesn’t mean I can eat whatever I want. (Two common misconceptions: I’m either a health nut or a glutton because I’m running the marathon. Truth: I’m probably a little bit of both)

I also need to figure out what’s helping my runs, my work, my energy, my moods, and my life, and what’ s hurting it. I sometimes overeat, I sometimes under eat.

I’m having trouble articulating why I feel compelled to do this. I think it’s surely a combination of factors, even conflicting factors. I know I’m committed in some ways to supporting local farmers and eating close-to-home, sustainably, and naturally. I also know I eat random crap when I’m at work. I also know that Gu and Gatorade appall me, but there’s also nothing quite like them on a long run. So, here goes.

I hope to put this in a different section off of the main page as to not bore readers, but to make the information accessible to others in training or thinking about it. Or whomever.

Here’s a recent post, relevant to marathon training and fundraising:

http://crowsinthekitchen.com/2011/02/15/super-bowl-treats/

The Crows are rad and I seriously encourage you to read all of their “Caw-ings”… and no, they’re not this kind of crow:

I’m working on updating my blogroll so if you’d like to be featured just leave a comment. I’m trying to list friends I admire and blogs I regularly read.

My first run around the Charles since the Red Sox Foundation’s Run to Home Base was cold, stark, and beautiful:

It's like something out of "Good Will Hunting!"

My First Long Run (12-mi) started with a sprite with a CamelBak on the Southwest Corridor path in front of me. She quickly receded from vision, and I can only hope to be that quick one day.

I felt elated as I passed by new sites and familiar landmarks:

Shepard Fairey @ Northeastern

See the crazy dude with the instrument thing? I don't even know what to call that guy. Any ideas?

The Commonwealth House (heh)

Only to give way to exhaustion as I got stuck in a Comm Ave wind tunnel and lost in the Fens…

At which point I realized I needed aid. For the first time. EVER.

Luckily, REI was conveniently a quick jog away. I grabbed a couple Stingers and went to the bathroom. Where I took this picture:

Charming.

One of many very flattering shots of me mid-run to come…

My Second Long Run (another 12)—to the Gym, nearly 5 miles on the treadmill, and back–I encountered a runner on the path who cheered me on. Stoked, I wasn’t expecting to then get attacked by a T employee’s Chihuahua on the way back. I didn’t get the shot of paw prints on my tights to prove it, but trust–there were teeny tiny paw prints on my tights.

Strange running days…